Feb 1, 2012 Dragging

OK so I did trash Facebook but still find myself spending inordinate amounts of time online…like Pinterest, but I have to say (rationalize) that I am actually learning something, like crocheting and preparing really cute Super Bowl foods for this weekend.

I re-read my post about the Horrible Boss and felt a bit bad…yes, she’s all that, but posting such drivel was a negative thing but it sure felt to get that off my chest! I can’t be all perfect all the time, and if I did, I would go crazy. I can’t go cold turkey after all.

Woke up a bit late for work and sped like a friggin banshee down the freeway because if we are just a teeny tiny bit late, we get written up…so anyway…get to work and the time clock is BROKEN! How great is that? The only problem now is making sure my boss turns in our miss time punch paperwork on time…sometimes she “loses” things and we lose out on…oh…one whole day’s worth of pay. No biggie. I can afford to lose a WHOLE day’s worth of pay. I’ll just eat the lint out of my dryer to make up for the difference in lost pay.

What did I do positive today? I did the best I could at work without complaining, came home and did a bunch more chores and here I am, ready for bed and ready to do it all again tomorrow…rinse, repeat.


1.30.12 Dear Rotten Horrible Boss

Dear Rotten, Horrible Boss;

This is a letter dedicated to you right now and for all the horrible bosses I’ve ever had in my life. I am glad that you came along because I am learning compassion for the truly horrid, evil people living in this world that have a four letter word in their title, like yourself. Thanks for making life a living hell and thanks for teaching me the art of patience, grace and the fact that I am better than you because I don’t fall to the floor kicking my heels in a temper tantrum when I don’t get my way…but, of course, you are the boss and I just the peon (…LOL)

Thank you for denying vacation and doctor’s appointments at every turn while taking ample time off for yourself including all holidays while you threaten your staff with having to pull names on holidays when it used to be voluntary, berate staff for being a few minutes late when you come in over 45 minutes late,  play favorites and try to divide staff with fault-finding and blaming, calling in your staff to work when they are sick, blame everyone but yourself for all your messes, micromanage the to the very drop and step all over others in charge, treat your staff like second-graders, scold your staff like first-graders, parade around blabbering about how great you are, speak loudly regarding confidential employee matters so everyone can hear, forget to turn in vital important paperwork yet expect us to give you both a verbal AND written report on mundane matters, withhold advancement opportunities, piss off clients and blame it on your staff, post derogatory “quotes of the day” on the wall pretending to disguise it as team spirit, screw up our schedule and make people mad at us, undo everything you’ve trusted your staff to do thinking you know better, change everyone’s work time and work days just to wield a power trip, hang up on us on the phone, expect us to give “reports” during off-hours, create rules which no one has ever heard of in the history of the company, threaten to write everyone up for every little thing…and this is just an appetizer. Thank you, for filling me up with crap. I just cant get enough crap.

To the Bosses of Evils Past; thank you for turning my gut into steel with all your sexual harassment, favoritism, workplace mobbing and humiliation. You have prepared me well for this current Boss of Evil Present. You taught me well and taught me to shut up and not say a damned thing, even if the boss is totally wrong and delusional.  Thank you for teaching me that even though I don’t agree with you, I have the wisdom to not tell you to go F*** yourself.

In closing, I’d like to say another “thank you” to the year 2012. Although I’ve been a negative person all my life, I am seeing the positives in every F-ing situation. And if you tell me “at least you have a job”, I’ll just say “you are right, now shut the hell up”.

Thank you, thank you so much all you Evil Bosses of Work Past and Work Present. I don’t know what you are preparing me for, but I guess I am grateful that I am getting a paycheck and have to pretend to laugh when you crack a funny joke or else get extra work the next day if I don’t laugh.

1.24.12 Day 3- I’m Still Standing

Hmmm three whole days later and I havent keeled over and died or have a panic attack since deleting Facebook. I am surprised. Maybe its a rebound thing where it will seize me a week and a half later and I’ll be reduced to a crying, heaping pile on the floor…I’m not making fun of my friends I’ve left behind but rather my reaction to it. I thought I would die but I am doing O.K. (does anyone know what the acronym OK stands for?…I am too lazy to google it)

Spent lots of time with son, holding him, teaching him the continents, showing him a video of a real life Tasmanian Devil (yesterday it was a Narwhal). It was a lot of fun…strangely enough, I am more relaxed, how can that be when Facebook *was* my relaxation?

I am also less teary. I normally cry at every sad news I hear and ponder on it for days on end, especially when it involves children. I am so hyper-sensitive that images last for days on end and I cry and cry. Tonight I read a really sad story and I felt very sad and heartbroken for the parents of murdered children but for some reason I am not crying my eyes out…not because I am no longer caring but maybe because I am no longer filling my void with internet pursuits and being sad over things that have happened that I cannot change. I now elect to spend as much time as I can with our growing son with laughter, hugs and attention that I didn’t give to him when I was obsessed with my internet gaming and Facebook time. I have a choice on how I spend my time and now I am finally feeling in control of my emotions and how I choose to express it. I don’t feel like such a slave to my emotions anymore and it’s even showing up in non-internet related avenues; I am surprising myself.

I’ve been cooking every single day since quitting also: Lemon bars, Chili from scratch, vegetable soup with seven different veggies and mushrooms, tofu stir fry, egg sandwiches…maybe I’ll get fat from cooking and not because I’m plastered in front of the computer.

Very interesting, how this is all panning out. I thought it would be the end of my sanity when I gave up FB when in reality is only the beginning of it! Really odd, how things turn out. Quitting Facebook and online gaming is really manifesting itself in strange but good ways unimaginable until now.

1.23.12 – Day 3 – Any coincidence that Facebook disappeared?

Yesterday I get a call from someone I have not heard from in over five years. She was calling because she wanted to get my feedback on some recent emails she’s been sending me. It blew my mind because here she is, five years later…calling me! I don’t even remember giving her my phone number. I wonder if my busy “aura” and frantic online craziness prevented people from reaching out to me because they knew I’d be too busy. Interestingly enough, the woman who called me is deeply spiritual and picks up on people’s energies. I met her over five years ago as a role of a healer to her physical needs and here she was, calling me after all this time.

I am not religious, but it seems like more and more messages are sent to me in some form or another; through people who attend church regularly, through people who say they are praying for me, and my stumbling upon a lot of blogs who have positive messages to share with quotes from the bible. It’s enlightening and uplifting. I am not sure I can commit at this time in my life but I can sure appreciate all the positive words and encouragement.

I spent extra time with my son today. I didn’t snap at him because I was eager to get back online. I hugged him, laughed with him, let him listen to some nice family songs I grew up with and showed him a google image of a ‘narwhal’ to which he laughed and laughed. He could not believe there was such a thing as a “whale unicorn”.  I am only using the computer as this medium and as tool to teach now…not to be a slave to it and get into arguments with  people from opposing political views or becoming upset over gifts not returned in a virtual game.

Don’t get me wrong. I still fantasize daily about re-opening my account to go back and add some close friends but on the upside, I actually called a friend via phone and left a voice mail vs plastering information on his wall.

1.22.12 Day 2 – Life After Facebook

Originally this blog started out by trying to be more positive. I guess Facebook was not a positive thing since I’ve thrown it out…yesterday. After I hit “delete” I felt lonely but I got busy. I have a ton of crap to do around the house. I have to stop thinking of my anxiety and whether I wanted to go back to FB and open up my account again. I felt like I amputated part of my body, and I felt sad.

I snapped photo projects of things i wanted to get done around the house. Messy parts of our home I’ve neglected in order to chat with friends and buy virtual horses and trees. I took a lot of pictures but I won’t post them until I’ve actually cleaned up. I won’t post the before pictures without the after. I’ve been known to set deadlines on myself and I procrastinate so bad that I feel crappy that I haven’t done them so I won’t do them and it snowballs into a ball of unfinished things I feel bad I didn’t do.

These projects were actually done yesterday, so technically its Day One projects…I had to keep busy because if I didn’t I would start to become anxious.

Messy Drawer – This drawer was a mess for years but I’ve always grabbed what I needed out of it and crammed it shut again. I was too lazy to take the time to clear it out. I finally straightened it out and the total time I spent throwing out old junk and straightening stuff out was a whopping 17 minutes.

Messy Drawer – After! I actually took the time to fold all the plastic grocery bags into triangles so they didn’t take up too much space.

The Spice Cabinet – Before clean up. Stuff piled up all over each other. Old bags of dried chili peppers I’ve kept for years and never used.

The Spice Cabinet – After….it took me 52 minutes to clean this out! Now I know where everything is….and I really have to stop buying so many bottles of furikake. I hoard stuff and forget I already had a bunch and buy more because I didn’t know I already had it.

I have other plans this year too, which is to eat and use up all canned stuff and cake mixes and frosting and jello and pudding before I go and buy more. I keep forgetting what I already have and with the cost of food going up like crazy I’ve gotta be more diligent in keeping track of what we have….should be easy, now that Facebook is not consuming my waking hours.

1.21.12 Day 1 – getting rid of Facebook ARGH!!!

I had decided three days ago to trash my Facebook account. I’ve had this account for over 8 years and met a bunch of wonderful people and kept in touch with friends; but I have also spent hundreds and possibly thousands of hours playing on-line games over the years, not to mention spending hundreds of dollars on virtual plants, virtual houses, virtual animals. It was taking a toll on my family and the house was a wreck. I gained more weight than I wanted. I found myself snapping at my son when he’d interrupt my arguments with people online. I found myself tossing and turning in bed thinking of remarks I’d say to people who would flame me on boards.

I figured it was OK if I didn’t play the games and just hang out on the site and see what everyone was up to but that didnt work either…almost four hours later I got off the computer with nothing learned, nothing gained except wasted time and feeling shitty again.

My husband (and interestingly enough one of my dear Facebook friends) said: “if you kicked the cigarette habit, you can kick anything” which is true. Chemical addictions, psychological addictions…I’ve been an addict my whole life of sorts, mainly to gaming, on-line interactions and yes, even running.

The running addiction was at least healthy. Facebook addiction is unhealthy. Any addiction in unhealthy but I have to be addicted to something it seems to make things worthwhile. I guess I’m just a passionate person.

Past Internet addictions I’ve kicked: MySpace, World of Warcraft (WoW), Second Life and Kingory. When I trashed MySpace and Second Life, I cried for days. It was that bad. I just replaced it with Facebook, so now Facebook’s gotta go.

So HELP!! These next few days/weeks will be pretty rough. I haven’t hit the DELETE ACCOUNT button yet but it’s scheduled for tonight/tomorrow. No turning back.


UPDATE: as of 4:15 PM somewhere in the Pacific on this date I have deleted both my Facebook accounts (yes, both..that’s how bad it was). I feel strangely odd yet relieved. But also panicking. What the HELL have I done?

1.9.12 melt down

The moon was still full at 6:44 AM when I drove to work. It was a beautiful morning, although I had to keep looking at my clock to make sure it was AM and not PM. A FULL moon, bright, high and mighty over the horizon, a real treat for the eyes.

I get to work and its already negative-land…as much as I try to deflect, it gets me down. Hey, I am human.

Did all the wonderful mom-things at home until kid gives me attitude and refuses to listen. Mom and kid meltdown. Kid threatening to leave and become homeless. I say go ahead. I am sick and tired of these manipulative shenanigans.

Tried to be positive today but its hard when it’s not only work shit but a battlefield in your own home. I’m going to bed early tonight.